Back in the USA

What a feeling it is to be back. This one is perhaps the most complex and enriching one of all. It is almost surreal. I've only been gone for 2.5 weeks but being back in NYC now feels completely different than it did before I left. The air feels fresher. The streets feel cleaner. It almost feels ... sterile. New York City feels sterile? That can't be.

The city feels smaller -- less intimidating. The noises aren't as annoying or loud. There don't seem to be as many people. I don't miss Boston as much... I'm content being 3-4 hrs away but am excited to visit again soon. I imagine that this feeling will repeat but in a new way when I go there.

That is the impact on what I feel about my external life from this trip.

Internally, I feel a shift as well. Not in the ways that I thought, however. For whatever reason, I have not found some sort of deeply urgent need to contribute to a solution to the suffering I saw in the areas I visited. Maybe the shift I do feel is from a combination of things...

• My visit allowed me to see people with far less opportunities than me, highlighting that it is a waste if I do not push myself further.
• Matt and I had a very intense conversation about my interests or, I should say, lack of passion for many things in life. I don't have any direction right now. I'm listless. I have not found anything again that I was so passionate about as I was with fitness. I am bored. I need purpose. I feel uninteresting.
• During the trip, I was reading a book (still not finished) called "The Happiness Hypothesis". In a lot of ways, I feel it is pretentious, but some of the ideas resonate with me. One idea about perception of reality, need for gossip, human interaction inclinations -- these things aren't always as pure as we claim. I've realized I need to center and recalibrate.

Therefore, I've made a few resolutions. Logically, I know I am emotional and this epiphany-like inspired feeling will be short-lived. But I am fairly good with resolutions. In High School, I did abstain from all gossip for a year. More recently, I was vegan for a year... and lots of other little resolutions in between. So here goes...

• Be faster to admit I am wrong or a good point has been made on the opposing side when appropriate in a heated debate when pride is involved.
• Work together with Matt when we are talking about something sensitive rather than letting my "inner lawyer" flare up and defend my case. I trust his perspective and if we both contribute to an idea that has to do with making improvements to either one of our personalities, that should mean that it will ultimately be a positive change or direction to follow.
• Say "yes" more and be less stubborn.
• Learn to cook -- really cook. Real recipes. Real ability to invent. I miss sharing myself with people. I miss being creative. I can incorporate health and nutrition with this.

All in all, it was a great trip. Eye opening in more ways that I expected. I am tired right now... Need to go to sleep. Not sure how coherent I am.

Thanks for following my trip. xo